Sexy Susie has the mental powers of an under-intuitive water buffalo, but she’s got a figure cut from glass and eyes like diamond mines. Whenever she talks, your brain dribbles out your ears and one thought enters your head: “Don’t let her catch me looking at her chest! Don’t let–ope, she caught me,” and then she’s walking away with an angry look. Drat! How does that pretty girl get straight A’s all the time? And how come she let’s the professors practically drool all over her designer clothes when they’re old and bald and have that sensually broken look hiding in their elitist eyes–holy buckets, Batman–that’s it! Susie is going in for extra credit!
You know, there are a variety of ways to cheat in collegiate spheres. You can bring in answers written up and down your arms. That’s one way to cheat on an exam. You could pencil some shorthand into the desk, or stencil in tiny writing all across your No. 2 pencil. You could nudge the nerdy kid beside you and give him a significant look. The thing is, all these methods will get you caught, and you could get in trouble. Plus they’re really difficult to pull off correctly, unless you’ve got some kind of extra angle you’re working. But you know a method that is surefire? It’s called “brown-nosing”. That’s right, if you can’t sleep with the pear-shaped middle aged sociology professor for that “A” like Sexy Suze, you’re going to have to take off your pride hat and pretend every word that trickles out of the yellow-toothed mouth of professor Branderson is gospel truth.
Many don’t realize it, but sexual extra-credit and brown nosing are cheating morally defunct as any other method. These are just socially accepted forms of cheating. If you weasel your way into an intellectual inner-circle like a sycophant, no one will look at you as a cheater. They’ll just look at you as a worm–but you’ll be a worm that passes classes and gets hired on basis of who he knows, not what he knows! Or you could be involved in a sorority/fraternity that uses charitable exercises and campus politics to engineer a classroom’s grading motifs. Shoot, you could be a good looking dude in a biology class taught by London-Toothed Jane, red-headed stepchild of the science department; but do you really want to sink so very low? The question is how to cheat on an exam. There has got to be a better answer!
Enter the GSM-Earpiece. This snazzy bit of technology fits right in your ear and is virtually undetectable. You’ve got a buddy in the class after yours. He skips his mandatory physical education class to read you answers while you take the test, and afterward you do the same for him. Simple, elegant, untraceable, and you don’t have to degrade yourself.
People think students shouldn’t even ask the question, “how do I cheat on exams?”. Well, maybe sixty years ago that was a more valid opinion. But secondary education in the modern world is just a joke. It’s a self-made prison of debt and political sacrifice. Unless you get a full-ride scholarship, which is something only given to a statistical minority, you’re looking at years of study and debt that leave no guaranteed result. Maybe in the fifties, a college degree meant you’d get a job. But this isn’t the fifties, it’s the 21st century, and college debt is deliberately maintained in many first world countries. Heck with that. If you’ve got to jump through bureaucratic hoops anyway, you might as well use the GSM-Earpiece.